When Parenting Gets Messy

I have been eager to get back to this blog. I started it almost six years ago back when my first baby was an actual baby and I wanted to capture every moment of her sweet new life.  

I tried several times to start it back up again but life happened and soon work and kids and dogs and my sweet, sweet husband filled up my days, and writing was just something I dreamed of doing in the spare time I dreamed to someday have.

Then 2017 rolled around and I realized that the distractions in my life, minus those very important ones I listed above, were easily able to be silenced. Seriously. It's called a log out button and it is so freeing.

When the noise and negativity is making me feel bogged down and weary, I log out.  

When the constant back and forth is causing angst inside, I log out.

When I see people using words to tear down, I log out.

And then I write.

So, here I am with a brain full of thoughts, ready to take time again for something that brings joy to my life AND that keeps the Melatonin bottle a little fuller.

One of the things I enjoy writing about is my motherhood journey so, here's a little piece of my tired but thankful heart.

I heard someone say once that parenting is kingdom work and I believe that with every fiber of my being.  It is quite possibly the most important work we have been given and is quite certainly the toughest. Raising tiny humans is not for the faint of heart.  Can I get an AMEN.

My parenting journey has been one mess after another, sprinkled with joy and laughter and wrapped in a whole lot of prayer.  There have been spills.  There have been tears.  There have been nights when I asked myself if I could seriously raise these tiny people.

The answer is always yes by the way.  But sometimes after a great big glass of wine.

My latest parenting story happened just yesterday.  I will spare you most of the details except for the important ones.  You know, the ones that left me walking through Barnes and Noble with a pee stained shirt. Yeah, that happened.

My sweet baby boy who just turned three last weekend has just recently become fully potty trained. Meaning, he's been potty trained since the summer but we just got brave enough to take him out in public without a diaper on.  I don't know if it was fear of him having an accident or fear of never having to purchase diapers again meaning no more babies living in our house.  Whatever, though.

We were enjoying our last birthday celebration with grandparents at our favorite pizza restaurant and H man said he needed to use the bathroom.  We took him and it turns out, he doesn't like to use the big potty (public potty).  After about ten minutes of trying to talk him into sitting on the toilet at the restaurant, I decided to walk him around to try and find another bathroom that better suited his taste.

I remembered there was a Barnes and Noble just around the corner so we power walked there and I was very hopeful.  I think I even whispered a prayer.

We got there, it was too scary and he burst into tears.  I picked him up to console him, he peed and we walked through Barnes and Noble (one of us waddling) to head back to the restaurant.

I sat there at dinner for the rest of the evening with pee on my shirt.  No one asked, thank goodness.  It's just what we sometimes have to do-- wear the mess.

All of this to say, motherhood and parenting is messy sometimes.

No one really tells you that before having children.  No one tells you about the sleepless nights and pee stained shirts and the temper tantrums that last way longer than what the books say.

What they do tell you is that it will change you for the better and it will be the greatest joy of your life.  That part is true and that part is what keeps me going most days.  That, coffee and a whole lot of Jesus.

Whether we are wiping up pee with paper toilet seat covers because the paper towel dispenser decided to break or we are running through castles at the park with our kids, the mess is always worth it.

The mess is what makes those sweet moments so much better.  The mess is what keeps us grounded.  The mess is what keeps us going back to the Father.

If you are in the messy parts of parenting, sister and brother, you are not alone.  Let's try to embrace the mess a little more today than we were willing to yesterday and know that the Lord is refining us through it all.

To My Daughter On Her 5th Birthday

My daughter turned five today.

She is a fierce little thing, that one.  She has been that way since she was in the womb.  Always kicking.  Always moving.  Always making me feel like she was going to jump out of my stomach.

She entered the world that way, too.  Twelve hours of active, natural labor before the doctors decided she was not coming into this world the way I wanted her to.  She had her own way of doing things.

She has tested my patience, given me heart palpitations and made me rethink my parenting abilities on more than one occasion.  Like I said, she is fierce.

She is fiercely passionate about life.  She knows how to have fun.  She shows up to the party ready to eat cake and dance on the tables.

I am reminded daily of how the Lord must feel about me.  That unconditional love that only a parent can understand.

I decided for her birthday I would write her a little letter.  She loves getting letters in the mail and I knew she would enjoy reading it with me.  So, excuse me while I sit in a corner and cry a little about the fact that five years have passed since I first held her tiny body in my arms.            



Dear Sweet Girl

Happy Birthday, beautiful.  I can't believe you are FIVE YEARS OLD.  Where has the time gone? Okay, we don't really have to discuss that now. I know how inquisitive you are and if we start talking about time, we will be here all day.

Seriously, though.  You are five now.  I have thought about this day many times.  I have thought about how I would feel.  How you would look. Would you still have red hair (even though your father insists your hair has always been blonde).  What your personality would be like.  

First of all, can I tell you how much you amaze me every single day.  Really, you are such a cool girl. You are fun and loving and high spirited.  I know some days that high-spirit seems to wear me out, but I promise, I wouldn't want you any other way.

I have a short list of requests on your 5th birthday.  I know, it's YOUR birthday and I'm over here telling you what I want.  I'm your Mamma, so you have to listen.  Here we go.

1. You march to the beat of your own drum.  Please don't ever let the world, included me, tell you that is a bad thing.  The world needs more independent thinkers like you.

2. Your heart is BIG.  Keep it full of love.  The world needs more love.

3.  You are always asking to help out. Make your focus on others.  This world will try to tell you it is all about YOU.  Please don't believe them.  This world needs more people willing to help out.  Help when you can.

4. You are always asking questions.  Questions are good, but sometimes you need to try to figure things out on your own.  Be a problem solver and use that smart brain of yours.

5.  You have A LOT of energy.  Whew, where does it come from?  Use that energy for good.  See # 3 above.

6.  You really love music.  I love music, too.  I promise to let you listen to the music you want as long as you let me listen to the music I want sometimes.  We both like artists like Adele and Taylor Swift and one of your favorite songs is Hallelujah, the Jeff Buckley version of course.  That's really cool that you know who Jeff Buckley is.

7. You always ask me when you can be big like me.  Please try and stay little for as long as you can.  I promise, being a grown up is worth the wait.  Be silly.  Get messy.  Run around and chase your friends.  Sing at the top of your lungs.  Play dress-up and pretend you are Elsa.  When was the last time you saw an adult wearing a princess costume?  Stay little, my sweet girl. 

8.  You know about Jesus.  You know songs and stories about him and you know how he died on a cross. Keep believing, even if you have to ask a whole lot of questions.  I promise, Daddy and I will answer all of them.  He will fill that sweet heart of yours with so much love and joy if you let him.  

Well, that's all I have for now.  I'm sure I will think of more as you get older.  I can't wait to journey through year five with you.

Love,

Your very emotional Mommy



        

 

It's Okay

I have not sat down at the computer to write in a while.  I have been busy and life has not allowed me the time, really.  I have something to share, though.  I feel like God placed this on my heart to share with you, and since I'm trying to be more of a "yes" person (when God is involved), here I am, an hour before guests are supposed to start showing up to my house, to give you a little piece of my heart.


I went to the store about an hour ago to buy some last minute food items and a gift box. I went to Walmart of all places.  I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to find a parking spot rather quickly and that the aisles were not as crowded as I imagined they would be.

As I put my items on the counter at the check out lane, the container of salsa fell out of my cart and onto the floor.  Splat.

Thankfully, it was a plastic container and not a glass one, otherwise, this story might have ended a little differently.

I looked at the man behind the register and quickly said, "I'm so sorry".

With a sweet smile on his face, he looked into my eyes and replied, "It's okay. Don't be sorry, just be you. You are not perfect, forgive yourself."

I was surprised at how well this Walmart employee handled my situation.  Here it is, Christmas Eve, one of the busiest and craziest days for places like Walmart, and this man is trying to console me.  He was spirited and kind and wanted to make sure I was okay.

I left feeling thankful.

On my drive home, I started thinking about what that sweet man said to me.

You are not perfect.

I let that set in for a second and then started thinking about Christmas.

It's the most wonderful time of the the year.  That's what we are supposed to think, at least.
Before I go any further, I have to make sure you know how much I love Christmas.  I love the sounds.  I love the smells.  I love the sights and the magic that fills the hearts of all the children.  I love spending time with family and lighting the candles at church.  I love all of that.

I don't really love the hustle and bustle, though.  I don't love the feeling of, how the heck are we going to pay for all of this.  But, most of all, I don't love the perfectionism and expectations that grip my heart so tightly around this time of year.

I don't know about you, but this time of year makes me a little crazy. If I'm being honest, I desire for things to be perfect. The gifts I give to others.  The tree and decorations.  The food I prepare.  What the kids wear. The Christmas cards we send out.  I could go on.

I often lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas, and I'm not talking about baby Jesus' birth.  Yes, that is wonderful and beautiful and worth celebrating. God's promise was fulfilled when Jesus became man and put on flesh.  But, if we want to truly celebrate Christmas, we have to look further down the road to the cross, don't we?

Let's not forget why Jesus came.  Let's not forget why he hung on that cross.

In a few days, after all the presents are unwrapped and all the delicious food is consumed and life gets back to normal, there we will be.  Still broken.  Still searching for more.  Still entangled in guilt and shame.  Still sinners in need of a savior.

To me, this is the best news.  That in my crazy, perfectionism driven heart, Jesus wants a spot.  He wants me to see past the baby in the manger and look to the blood shed cross where he saved me. Not to depress me. Not to make me feel sad.  But to remind me that it is okay.

It's okay that I spilled the salsa on the floor at Walmart.  It's okay that my kids are sent to church with messy hair and mismatched clothes.  It's okay that my house isn't always clean.  It's okay.

I hope if you are struggling this Christmas season, for whatever reason, you will hear His whisper, too, saying, "It's okay".    






      

My Day Was Full

Today was a FULL day of mommy juggling.

Mommy juggling is hard.  Before I had my second baby, it was just her.  My sweet girl. She got all of my love.  All of my attention.  All of my energy.  

There was no one else crying for me in the other room.  Only one bath to give at night.  Only one body to chase around the living room.  Only one.

It's amazing how much changes when there are two.  Two mouths to feed.  Two different schedules to abide by.  Two very distinct cries to attend to. Two sweet kids who need me.

The good news is, my heart has plenty of room for the both of them.

But, some days I wish I had real life super powers.  Like powers that make you able to be in two places at once.  Or, powers that silence two screaming children with the snap of a finger.  Oh, I know, powers that allow you to clean up a house full of mess with the clap of your hands.

Okay, so since that will never happen, I will just have to rely on the powers I already have.

Yes, moms have powers.  Dads do too of course, but mom powers are very special.

Like, don't moms just have that magic touch when dealing with a sick child.  I hate when my babies are sick, believe me, but oh how I love it when my daughter wants to snuggle with me when she isn't feeling well. She nestles her head on my chest and not a thing in the world can interrupt us.  That's mom power.

And, moms have the insane ability to function, even if it's barely, on little to no sleep. Can I get an AMEN. Seriously though, how is it even possible.  All I can come up with, is that's how God wired us.  He knew we would need to be up every two hours to feed our newborn babies.  He knew we would need to soothe our teething babies back to sleep at 2 am.  He knew we would need to calm our toddlers after their night terrors. And, he knew we would need to change the sheets after a middle of the night accident.  Again, mom power. Coffee definitely helps too.

And finally, moms have a way of getting five hundred things done all at once.  The fine art of multitasking. We can have twelve things marked off our to-do list before the coffee is even ready.  Mom power for sure.

I could go on and on, but you get what I'm saying.  

I was blessed to have a mom who could do all of those things.  I remember her doing all of those things.  I'm thirty one years old and still want my mom when I'm sick.  

So, for all of you moms out there who are warn out and tired as hell, keep swimming. Just keep swimming.  

We are in the trenches together.  We can get through the tough days.  We were made for this.  

The Lord is strengthening us.  He will not give us more than we can handle.  Lean on Him.

My day was full.  Full of juggling.  Full of chaos.  Full of love.  

And, really, aren't those the best kind.  

       

A Change Is Gonna Come

I'm feeling inspired these days.

The busyness of the new school year is upon us and my heart is a little anxious about all that is to come, but nevertheless, I am feeling inspired.

The inspiration is coming from a place of wanting to change.

That word often gets a bad rap.  Change is hard.  It can sneak up on us and feel extremely terrifying.  We can know it's coming, and still, we dig our heels in and say, No.

In this case, though, it is the good kind of change.

My heart is in a place of needing and desiring change.  My mind, body, and spirit are right there too.  It's interesting how your heart has a way of leading the way.

Seven months ago when I quit my job to be a SAHM, I never imagined the toll it would take on my heart.  I put all kinds of expectations on myself to play the role well.  To please my children, my husband, and be the perfect SAHM I had prefabricated in my head.

Earlier this summer, I wrote about how that all played out.

I will be the first to admit, I have not figured it all out.  There are days when I am a self-doubting, ultra-critical, over-analytical, crazy person.  My husband likes to call me high strung.

I am learning, though, being that crazy person sometimes is okay.  We need to extend ourselves a little grace now and then.

We, as mothers, as woman, as humans are going to make mistakes and get things wrong sometimes.

We are going to burn the chicken and wear spit up out of the house without realizing it.

We are going to yell at our kids and let them watch a little too much TV some days.

We are, inevitably, going to pick a fight with our husband because, well, it has just been one of those days.

We are going to screw it all up, and then screw it up some more.

And you know what, that's okay.

The desire for perfection is still a battle I am warring against, but I am learning, little by little, the power in just letting go.

The Lord has done a tremendous work in my heart.  He has shown me what true perfection looks like through Christ.  He has helped me to see that I will never live up to THAT kind of perfection, and helped me to realize that it's okay.  There is beauty in the mess.  In the struggle. In the crazy.

So, part of this change that is stirring inside of me, is really just an understanding that life is too short to sweat the small stuff.  It really is.  My husband likes to remind me with this saying, "In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter".  He is a very wise man.

I read far too many stories about life being cut short.  The truth is, we have not been promised a long life.  It could end tomorrow for us.  Or, for someone we dearly love.

Today is what we have been given.  Let's make the most of it.

Part of the change I am desiring is to spend less time with technology and more time with the people I love.

I will admit it, I have been roped in by technology.  I have become addicted to it.  I want to know what my friends are up to, what big news stories have transpired, and gosh, do I love all of those mom blogs.
I often feel guilty for the time I spend with my phone in my hand.  And, let's face it, sometimes we just need to have a little guilty pleasure.

But too much indulging, in my experience and opinion, is just bad for the soul.

I want to be more present.  Read more books.  Spend more time creating.  Play with my kids more. Serve others well.  Catch up with friends over coffee.

I want to spend less time reading about what strangers are doing with their families.

Less time comparing.  Less time pinning.  Less time being consumed by technology.

Now, I am in no way saying technology is bad.  I LOVE having access to pictures of my family and friends. I have gotten to watch my best friends' children grow up before my eyes because of social media.  I LOVE that I can share photos of my own kids with family and friends.  

And, I am still planning on keeping up with my shows that are about to start up again this Fall.  Yes, I like to watch Scandle, Parenthood, and House of Cards when the kids are asleep.  There is no shame in that.

Really, it's all about moderation. That's what I am shooting for.

Whew, I feel better just getting my junk thoughts out there.  I know, it was a novel tonight.  I guess that's what happens when you haven't blogged for two months.

But, all of this to say, a change is gonna come.  And I am ready.

  







      

  

 
  

The Library, Park, And Apple Pie

Today was a great day.

It started out rough, but turned out being a fun-filled family day.

K woke up feeling a little emo so we decided to skip out on school and keep her home with us.  The hubby is home for the summer (much needed teacher break), and it sure has been nice to have an extra set of hands around the house.  He made us breakfast, which was a nice little change from either eating nothing or the piece of buttered toast I usually have.

The morning rain made it difficult to get up and moving, but we finally decided to go to the library for some reading and play time.  We ended up at Emily Fowler and it was actually the first time K had been to that branch.  The children's section is super cute and she loved playing with the blocks and putting together an underwater floor puzzle.

She is focusing hard on this puzzle

She usually has a hard time when it is time to leave, but surprisingly, she cleaned up and took her book over to the counter to check it out.  She chose Eric Carle's, The Artist Who Painted A Blue Horse.  One of my favorites.

Later that day, after we realized she was not going to take a nap, we decided to go to the park.  Yes, two outings in one day.  I promise I only had one cup of coffee this morning.  I was having one of those overly energized days.

We went to the red park over by our house and K met a little friend.  He was super cute and wanted to tell K all about what he could do on the playground.  They chased each other some and took turns sliding.   

Having fun swinging with Daddy and baby brother

We ended the evening by making our first apple pie and homemade ice cream.  I recruited K to help and she loved every second of it.  I used a simple recipe I found online.  Really, I was looking for an ingredients list that matched what I had in the pantry. 

It turned out tasting pretty delicious.  

Well, that friends, is all she wrote.  The babies are asleep and I think it's time to cuddle up and watch a movie before my ten o'clock bedtime.  Here's to hoping I wake up with the same energy tomorrow.  

Popsicle Making Extravaganza

It's been  pretty crazy around here the last couple of days.

K has been sick, and although we had a very scary night when her temperature climbed to 105, she is doing much better now.

She's jumping off furniture.  Running around singing Frozen songs.  She's back to her old self.  Whew, thank you, Lord.

I wanted to share an activity we did together a couple of days ago.  In an effort to get more vegetables in K's diet, we decided to make popsicles from real fruit and veggie juice.

I bought this juicer off an infomercial back in August.  My husband and I had recently finished watching the documentary, Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  Anytime I watch one of those food documentaries, I get in beast mode and attempt to throw out all the garbage in our pantry.

We juiced for a few months (not exclusively), but since I was pregnant at the time, I decided to put it off until I wasn't craving french fries and chocolate all of the time.  I mean, really.

So, back to our popsicle making extravaganza.

I tried to build this up so K would be excited about eating them later.  In my big, cheesy mom voice, I announced we were going to make delicious popsicles.  She immediately came running into the kitchen.

Before we even began the process, I had a super mom fail.  I couldn't find the popsicle molds.
K was roaring to go, so I had to improvise.  We used an old baby food storage container.  

We started out simple. I cut up an apple and the ends off four carrots.

 
K doesn't like loud noises so she asked to leave the room once it was time to stick them into the juicer. That's my favorite part of the whole juicing experience.

I asked if she wanted to drink some and she politely shook her head no.  I let her pour the liquid into the 'popsicle mold'.  She loved this part.

I put the lid on and we stuck them in the freezer.  My plan was to put in popsicle sticks once they started to freeze.  Another mom fail...I forgot.

K didn't seem to mind.  She was so excited to go check on the popsicles the next day.  We popped one out and made it into a snow cone.

 
I would love for her to eventually start drinking the juice, but for now, I am happy to make all the popsicles in the world if it means she is getting some good nutrients into her body.